The Atlanta Journal Constitution Article

In the Atlanta Journal Constitution on Saturday, April 1, 2000 there was an article written by Tony Zizza complaining that the court system is keeping men from being an intricate part of their children’s world. This was the response I submitted.

Don't Blame the Courts, Blame the Parents!
I am a divorced father of two very young kids who was awarded "joint physical" custody, and I don't pay child support.

My ex-wife and I share our kids in a very uncompromising and rewarding way that I think could work for all parents who really put their kids' needs above their own selfish and bitter history.

This month I have my three year old son and eight year old daughter from Friday afternoon when I pick them up from school and day care until Tuesday morning when I drop them back off. Their mother picks them up at day's end and keeps them until Friday morning. At month's end, we swap the days and she'll have them from Friday until Tuesday and vice versa. We also swap holidays and birthdays so that we can both share all of their special events.

This arrangement works for my ex and me because we both believed early on in our relationship that no matter where we ended up as a husband and wife, our kids needed "both" parents to have an opportunity to be complete people. And my career as a father didn’t start when we got divorced. I was a "participatory" father and caregiver before my kids were ever born. I went to all of the Lamaze classes, I made it a point to be at all of the OB/GYN visits, and even after my ex was put on extended bed rest during both pregnancies  for months at a time I assumed my responsibilities because I was the one who laid there and helped to create these beautiful kids. I cut both of their cords during the delivery. I bathe and clean my kids and changed their diapers. I woke up at 2:00 a.m. for feedings, I sat with them all night when they were sick and running 102 degree temperatures. I was at the hospital for three days when my daughter came down with a severe stomach virus. I give my son his asthma treatments and have sat up holding him when he had his rough nights. I also cook my kids' meals, wash their clothes, handle most discipline actions when needed and spend a good deal of time helping with homework.

Now this arrangement hasn’t been without its difficulties, but our kids have reaped all of the benefits of my ex and I working together on their behalf. Both of my kids are well balanced and happy. They excel in school, and my ex and I are often complimented by strangers about their sterling behavior and beautiful smiles.

As the father in this unique situation I have heard all of the horror stories about biweekly weekend Dads or MIA sperm donors. I wanted to be neither, and the courts did not force me into being either. When my ex and I first separated, I continued my fatherly duties in my apartment as if nothing had changed. The spousal separation did not mean the end of my parental duties; it actually meant the beginning of an even greater participation.

When the day came that we decided it was time to legally end our marriage, my ex and I argued, fought, and cried about our current mutual child-rearing agreement. We used one lawyer and wrote our divorce stipulations ourselves, always intent on putting our kid's welfare above our own. The judge had no problem agreeing to our divorce request.

So when I read or hear every-other-weekend fathers and absentee sperm donors complain about the lack of visitation and having to pay child support to a woman they can’t stand and to children they never bonded with I have to ask myself – how badly did you want to be a participatory father? Why was it so hard to put your needs, bitterness, and past history with your ex aside to make it work for the children’s sake?

I loved my ex when I married her but that all changed for reasons I couldn’t control.  I loved my kids before they were born, today, and forever. This love will continue to make me a compromising and participatory father.

Other men should stop complaining about the court system and take the lead. As my three-year-old son likes to say, handle your business! Fight for the right to be a full time father, build your foundation from the first breath your child takes, give up some of your extracurricular activities, put the bitterness and nastiness you have for your ex aside.

You make it work and the courts will follow your lead!